


The Lentel Hotel

by merryghoul



Category: This is Spinal Tap (1984)
Genre: Clubbing, EDM - Freeform, Gen, Hotels, Miami, Miami Music Week, Minor Character Death, Original Character Death(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 18:22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6716104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spinal Tap reluctantly go to Miami Music Week to play with an EDM deejay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lentel Hotel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Missy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/gifts).



> David Guetta, Avicii, Tiësto, Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike, Ozzy Osbourne, deadmau5, Alien Ant Farm, and Rednex are real musicians and/or groups briefly mentioned in the story.
> 
> All other characters, along with Spinal Tap, aren't real.

Nigel walked up to Ian, a copy of _Billboard Magazine_ folded to a page with charting singles on it. "What's this, Ian? This paper says we're on some sort of 'eddam' single."

"That's why I called this band meeting. The record label gave a couple of deejays permission to remix some of your earlier songs into EDM songs. It's not 'eddam,' Nigel. EDM."

"They can't do that!" David said. "Those are our songs." He pointed to Nigel. "We wrote those songs by ourselves. The label didn't write the songs. Why didn't the deejays come to us and ask us for permission?" 

"Yeah, we wrote the songs," Nigel said. "They should've came to us first before making those 'eddam' songs."

"EDM, Nigel, not 'eddam,'" Ian said. "And actually, as long as the label clears the song to be remixed, they don't have to go through you first." 

"That's not fair."

"Yes, Nigel, it's not fair, but it's how the business works." Ian pointed to a chart in _Billboard._ A deejay known as Nious remixed '(Again With The) Flower People.' See? Number five on the Dance/Mix Show Airplay charts. Number five Dance Club Songs. Number five Dance/Electronic Streaming Songs. Number five Dance/Electronic Digital Songs. Number five Hot Dance/Electronic Songs."

"Yeah, but what about vinyl?" Nigel asked. "Or those CD longboxes?"

"They don't make those anymore. Well, they don't make CD longboxes because the packaging on them is wasteful. And they only make vinyl now when people want it."

"Why don't people want our albums on vinyl?" David said. 

"You haven't been in demand since 2009. Everyone on a vinyl record has been in demand for, I'd say, the last six months or so. If you pressed five thousand copies of _Brainhammer,_ they'd sit there in record stores and Urban Outfitters."

"But _Brainhammer_ sold well," Derek added. 

"Yes, it did, but that was 1970. This is 2016. People don't want to hear rock songs like the ones on _Brainhammer_ on popular radio. They want to hear EDM songs. You know, stuff like David Guetta, Avicii, Tiësto, Dimitri Vegas  & Like Mike..."

"I thought _Like Mike_ was a movie," Derek said.

Ian shook his head. "He's also a deejay. But Megaphone really likes Lentel's remix of your '(Listen To The) Flower People.'" Megaphone was the label that owned the rights to the album that contained "(Listen To The) Flower People" and "(Again With The) Flower People," _Spinal Tap Presents "(Listen To The) Flower People" and Other Favourites._

Spinal Tap gave each other puzzled looks. 

"Who's Lentel?" David said.

"Lentel is an EDM producer from the Netherlands. He remixed your '(Listen to the) Flower People' and it went to number one on all the dance charts."

"So what does this have to to with us?"

"A lot of things, David. Lentel's record company, Imintobeats, wants you to tour with him during Miami Music Week this year." 

"They don't play music in Miami past that week?"

"No, Nigel. It's a week where electronic music artists play various gigs throughout South Beach. Inintobeats has sent us our itinerary. You're going to meet Lentel and some representatives of Imintobeats at the Lentel Hotel."

"Why don't we have a hotel?" Nigel put a stick of gum in his mouth.

"The Lentel Hotel is the temporary name of the hotel for Miami Music Week. The name of the hotel when it's not Miami Music Week is The Kevin Hotel."

Nigel smacked his gum. "Yeah, but why don't we have a hotel?"

 

Lentel's logo, stylized in a big sans-serif font, greeted Spinal Tap and Ian on top of the sign that was permanently installed for the Kevin Hotel. Nearby was a food truck with "Lentel's Sweets" on the side. Spinal Tap walked to the food truck. 

"I thought Lentel was one of them 'eddam' deejays," Nigel said. "Why does he own a lorry? Why is he selling sweets out of it?"

"Lentel still is an EDM deejay," Ian said. "And this is what the Americans call a 'food truck.' It's a promotional food truck for Lentel's set at the Ultra Music Festival."

"Why do people need sweets out of this lorry, Ian?" Derek asked. "Can't they buy sweets at a sweet shop somewhere?"

"I don't control Lentel's promotion, Derek. Imintobeats does. They decided on that stupid sign on top of the Kevin Hotel's sign and that sweets food truck."

Ian lead the group down Lentel's purple carpet with his logo on it into the Kevin Hotel. "I don't control Lentel's ugly purple carpet." He pointed to golf carts with Lentel's logo on it. "And I don't control his stupid, ugly golf carts! Why does that bloody idiot have go-carts, anyway? Miami has buses. Miami has taxis. Miami has those obnoxious Uber drivers. Why would you need a golf cart when you can call a bloody Uber driver?"

 

Several posters of Lentel, a wiry man with blue eyes and platinum blonde hair, were posted behind the check-in counter. A man dressed in a Lentel shirt was behind the counter.

"I'm Ian Faith, manager for Spinal Tap," Ian said to the man. "I should have four suites under my name."

"Did no one tell you we couldn't reserve four suites at this hotel for all four of you?" the check-in man said to Ian. "This is a boutique hotel, not the Ritz-Carlton down the street. We only have five suites meant for two people, max." 

"Imintobeats told me they would get me the suites I need to get for Spinal Tap. I need four suites."

"Yeah, we need four suites," Nigel added. 

"We reserved the biggest penthouses for Lentel and his opening act, Nious. And someone else has reserved a suite to live in for the next three months, so that suite's not available."

"But that's not what I wanted," Ian said. "I wanted four suites for Spinal Tap."

"Calm down, sir. I did manage to get you a suite." 

Spinal Tap cheered. 

"It's the only suite we have in the hotel."

Spinal Tap stopped cheering.

"You're right, sir, Imintobeats did get you a suite. It's for two people."

"But—"

"We did manage to get you a city view room on the seventh floor."

"Well, what room's the suite on?"

"The twelfth floor."

Ian sighed. "I can take the room on the seventh floor. The others can have the suite."

"Sir, the suite's for—"

"Trust me, you don't want to spend a night with me."

"He has a cricket bat," Derek said. 

 

Lentel's image was all over the Kevin Hotel. The hallways were plastered in Lentel wall decals. Life-sized Lentel cutouts were on every floor. A shop near the hotel's pool was set up selling Lentel merchandise, such as t-shirts and baseball hats. There was even a vending machine filled with expensive Lentel merchandise that could only be purchased with a credit card. 

Spinal Tap and Ian were tired of Lentel's merchandising by the time they reached their suite. On the suite's bed was a gift box filled with Lentel-branded sleeping accessories, such as eye pillows, soaps, robes, and a rubber duck.

David picked up the duck and examined it. "Does Imintobeats think we're five years old? Why have they given us a rubber duck?"

"Maybe we can bite its head off," Nigel said. "You know, like Ozzy and the bats."

Derek picked up the duck and walked onto the suite's balcony. He threw the duck off the balcony. It managed to land in the hotel's pool. 

There was a knock on the suite door. Ian answered the door; it was a woman. "May I come in? Pauline McDowell for Imintobeats."

"Of course."

The woman followed Ian into the suite. "May I see you all in the kitchen?"

"Are you the cook?" Nigel asked.

"Nigel, show our guest respect. And come in the kitchen and sit down." 

Spinal Tap and Ian went to the suite's kitchen. Ian introduced Pauline to Spinal Tap.

"I'm here to bring you all bad news and good news."

"What's the bad news?" Nigel questioned.

"I've just received word that Lentel has died from authorities at Miami International Airport. They won't disclose anything to us other than 'freak luggage carousel incident behind a ticket sales counter.'"

"Luggage carousel incidents happen more likely than you'd think. We lost a couple of drummers that way," David said. "And one of them did involve the carousel behind the ticket sales counter. I think it was...I think the company's name is Ryanjet."

"Actually...you're David, right?"

David nodded.

"Actually, David, it's Ryanair. Because of Lentel's death, they've canceled his show at Ultra Music Festival and replaced him with deadmau5. I'm not even sure why. The last time deadmau5 played after Lentel, he mocked Lentel's cover of Rednex's 'Cotton Eyed Joe.'" 

"So they literally replaced this Lentel guy with a dead mouse?" Nigel asked Ian.

"No, Nigel, it's the deejay known as deadmau5. D-E-A-D-M-A-U-5. Deadmau5."

Nigel squinted. "That's not how I learned to spell 'dead mouse' in school."

Pauline continued. "So your gig at Ultra Music Festival has been canceled because of Lentel's death. But Imintobeats have found a solution for you. We were able to reschedule Lentel's gigs at Lentel's Kevinklub with the other guy that remixed one of your songs, Nious."

"Don't remember him," Nigel said.

"You'll be playing tonight at midnight. Actually, it's tomorrow night at midnight, but you get the idea. Midnight until 2 AM. Then you'll be playing at the same time the night after that. Soundcheck starts at ten." 

 

Spinal Tap met Nious before their gig in Lentel's Kevinklub. Nious was a tall, wiry man who wore a plain leather jacket and a t-shirt with an illustration on it. His brown bangs were pushed back and held into place by copious amounts of hair gel. 

Spinal Tap were not impressed by Nious. 

The soundcheck at Lentel's Kevinklub frustrated Spinal Tap. Spinal Tap were only allowed to play three songs: "(Listen to the) Flower People," "(Again with the) Flower People" and "Have a Nice Death." Each song started out with Spinal Tap playing the opening minute of the song. Fifteen seconds before Spinal Tap could finish the opening minute of their songs, Nious would push a button on his deejay setup. The button would start a noisy build-up. After the song "built up," Nious would push another button. This second button would play two minutes of a repetitive baseline, drowning out Spinal Tap's bass and guitars. Spinal Tap played again for another minute before Nious would end the set with another two minutes of a repetitive bassline. 

After soundcheck, Nigel went to Ian. "Do we really have to play with this twat?"

"Yes, Nigel."

Nigel growled.

"I know working with all these idiots from Imintobeats isn't what you all want to be doing right now. But we're contractually obliged to work with them. If we don't, we could be sued. And, as you may have noticed, we don't have that much money to hire a lawyer if we break contract. David's having a tough time paying Jeanne divorce settlement money as it is. If you can hang on for tonight and tomorrow night, I will book you the nicest hotel I can find for your gig with Alien Ant Farm next week."

"Are there any nice hotels near Chula Vista, Ian?"

 

Despite Spinal Tap's irritation with Nious, they were ready to perform with him in front of the Lentel's Kevinklub crowd hours later. The club was still mostly full despite Lentel's untimely death. 

Spinal Tap performed the first song on the set list, "(Listen to the) Flower People," a performance that would be dedicated to Lentel. Spinal Tap played the opening part of the song, followed by Nious drowning them out for two minutes. Spinal Tap then played another minute from "(Listen to the) Flower People." Nious built up to the bass drop with the corresponding button. However, when Nious pressed the button to let the bass drop in the middle of the song, he spontaneously blew up, emitting a flash of green light.

Spinal Tap kept playing as some people headed for the exits and a roadie turned off Nious' turntable. The gig was officially over when Pauline ran on stage, grabbed David's microphone and said "Tonight's show has been canceled. No refunds will be given." 

 

Ian held a band meeting later that morning. "Imintobeats have canceled all of the Lentel's Kevinklub shows. They've even given up on calling it Lentel's Kevinklub now. It's just the Kevinklub. And the hotel's The Kevin Hotel again, not the Lentel Hotel."

"They ran out of deejays?" Nigel said. 

Ian shrugged. "I guess they ran out of deejays for Miami. Unless they're hidden in a laboratory under their label home in London. The hotel's letting us stay until check out. Then we have to leave."

"When's check out?" Derek said.

"Noon." 

"It's amazing Imintobeats didn't have any more deejays for Miami," David said. "You'd think they know the amount of people that spontaneously combust every year. And that has included a great number of deejays."

"Some of their deejays were sent to South by Southwest."

"Isn't that a movie?" Nigel asked Ian.

"No, Nigel, that's _North by Northwest._ South by Southwest is a music festival that's held in Austin. Imintobeats couldn't decide between Miami Music Week and South by Southwest, so they sent their bigger deejays to Miami and their other deejays to South by Southwest." 

"I really hope the people in Austin have a plan for on-stage spontaneous combustion," David said.

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked your prompt for _This is Spinal Tap,_ Missy, so I decided to run with it! 
> 
> The hotel is mostly inspired by the real life, one time [Avicii Hotel,](https://thump.vice.com/en_us/article/the-avicii-hotel-in-miami-is-completely-insane) although I was also inspired by other boutique hotels in South Beach. 
> 
> The name of Imintobeats is inspired by the record label [Ajunabeats.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anjunabeats)
> 
> deadmau5 mocking other EDM artists [has happened before.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0zWguEOxac)
> 
> Miami Music Week and South by Southwest clashing around the same week [also happened.](http://www.miaminewtimes.com/music/winter-music-conference-searches-for-identity-after-splitting-from-miami-music-week-8318614)
> 
> The Spinal Tap album and single information comes from Steve Worek's Ultimate Spinal Tap Discography site, which I would link to, but the site is, as of posting, down.


End file.
